Breaking the walls

When I start feeling emo, I stop feeling emo and go for a walk instead. True story.

So emo I was and out for a walk I went. I walked out of Andel apartments, turned on my iPod, turned it on shuffle and let it dictate my theme song for the moment. Funny enough, it was Good riddance by Greenday. It's strange how a random song on the iPod when combined with a view of the beautiful Prague castle and the homely smell of the dirty Vltava can give you a new perspective.

The last 4 weeks haven't been easy. Lots of goodbye, lots of changes. Nothing is the same. Nothing will be. I'm a gitana, a nomad by heart who thrives on changes, new situations, new places, new people. Having lived in 5 countries in the last 23 years, I thought I would be better at goodbyes and that I would master the art of rational detachment and go with the flow. Nobody said it was easy, noone ever said it would be this hard. Goodbyes suck. Changes suck.

I remember having this discussion with my Colombian friend, philosopher and guide when I was offered the contract extension by my company. I confessed to him that I wanted to leave Prague before I completely fall in love with the city and that I didn't want to be the last one left behind. That's not me way! I am the one who leaves, I'm the one who has farewells so to have the roles reversed wouldn't be easy. He said to take it up as a challenge. I had come here to learn, grow and get out of my comfort zone, I had to challenge myself to be in this not-so-pleasant predicament and I had to overcome my fear of falling in love or getting too attached. So challenged myself I did and yes it's hard and yes I've reached that point where I can't wait to leave this place! The countdown has started, Andel has just become a source of shelter, rational and irrational detachment from people, places, things has started in full swing.

But then tadaaaaa. I realized something.

In all my relationships, be it with people or places, I start swimming out as soon as I feel like I've gotten in too deep. I start building walls as a defense mechanism to protect me against all the unforseeable, unknown danger out there. I start destroying my nest that I built because of the fear of getting too cosy in a place that I consider to be temporary. I fleet instead of fighting. I build walls so strong and so unnecessary that I not only block out the unforseeable and unknown danger out there but also all the good things out there.

I have less than 12 weeks left in Prague. I can build more walls. I can go into my shell. I can play it cool or I can go all out and embrace everything the next 3 months have to offer. Sure it's going to be hard leaving this behind, sure it's going to be harder settling back in NZ but I can't let the fear of what can happen ruin what is happening right now.

As my role models - The Beatles say "It's a fool who plays it cool by making the world a little colder". I think it's time to stop this premature cooling off, break those self-made walls, open the doors, mend old ties, create new ties, go out and embrace everything the next 3 months have to offer. It's not going to be the same as before. Its not going to be familiar. BUT it's going to be a new experience and its going to be another chapter in this story. I can't have a boring, premature epilogue to this adventure so the walls are breaking, the ice is melting, the voracious appetite and child-like curiosity for new experiences (good or bad) is BACK!

HOLLER!